Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
the icebreaker
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.