If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
everyone has that one prude friend
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms