a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
You Might Also Like
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
every single time
I’ve had relationships like this
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN