How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You Might Also Like
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.