Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Spider-cat: No One Home
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Hell yeah 👍
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
This kid will have a bright future.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.