HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh