Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
You Might Also Like
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
lol
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.