Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue