[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.