People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
(Musicians.)
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”