[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops