23. the denim jacket
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.