So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs