Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.