Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
me, too, girl. me, too.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
LOL!
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein