Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
You Might Also Like
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
rapatouille
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.