Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
That 👊
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary