While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”