Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.