If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.