Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Autocorrect completely socks
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”