if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.