My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Bobby pin
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years