I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic