Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
You Might Also Like
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
being a writer on Twitter:
Mountain Goat : )
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
🏙👨🏼