I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Genius idea!!
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The Sun
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared