If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
こいつ天才
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”