If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..