I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded