Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.