Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
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Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.