[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
bout dat hot dog summer
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.