Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind