My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*