can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
You Might Also Like
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches