14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My sex drive has a dui
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”