*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?