The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Camping tip: No.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.