Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*