#math
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challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.