How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Natty or not?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
this is the greatest thing ever