I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.