wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
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Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.