Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.