It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
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if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Jesus Christ lmao
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?