adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.