Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
This meeting could have been a cake
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I know karate and tons of other words.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler