If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
how high up are we talkin’?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Sing it!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.