him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.