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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”